Wednesday, April 2 2008

Chain of Fools

You got me where you want me
I ain't nothing but your fool
You treated me mean yeah
Oh you treated me cruel

Fantasia Barrino's immortal lyrics (Aretha didn't write those words, she just owns them) say it all--foolin' is good cruel fun. My little jape on the 1st was mellow enough, but there are some really hilarious ones out in the inter-tubes. A quick round-up:

According to Dr. Vino, Franzia (makers of two-buck Chuck) announces Edible Wine packaging. In order to reduce carbon footprint, they've made their box from soy and and corn!

“We wanted to do more than have a low carbon footprint,” said Anthony J. Franzia, Senior Vice President of Product Development, in a press release. “We wanted to have zero need for recycling the box and bag. With the packaging of Food n Wine Box, whoever squeezes off the last glass has the first dibs on digging into the delectable box.”

The boxes of the wine are available in different flavors. Robust Red has a hint of BBQ sauce embedded in its molecules. The Summer Sippin’ White has notes of grapefruit.

As one commentator noted, at last Franzia has made a package that tastes better than their wine . . .

According to Decanter, Javier Bardem will star in a new movie about the life of wine critic and noted beast of the apocalypse, Robert Parker. It seems his role as the polypsychopathic killer in No Country for Old Men will serve him well:

A source told decanter.com, 'Javier is a wine lover, and will approach the role of the great wine writer with the same intensity he brought to the part of Chigurh.

'Remember, this is the guy – I mean Parker – who brought the French to their knees. Javier won't be cutting any corners.'

Producers say the film will deal with little-known aspects of Parker's development as a wine connoisseur, such as the young traveller cutting short his first visit to France in order to get down to Morocco to 'score some really good hash'.

I just saw No Country for Old Men last night (late to the party, yep) and I'd pay double to see this film.

The Wine Guy weighs in with the exciting news that Opus One is coming out with a second label, Opus Two. Apparently it's an international effort:

Charles Shaw Wineries, well known for their affordable wines, marketed exclusively by Trader Joe's, is supplying the juice for this exciting new wine to be made at the Opus facility in Napa Valley. Four 200,000 gallon stainless steel tanks now flank the famous Napa landmark winery to accommodate this increased production.

Outfitting retired Exxon super tankers with rubber bladders, the Charles Shaw growers have supplied fruit grown in the Zhejiang province of China. And, Opus One's skilled winemakers have used it to create what James Laube of Wine Spectator calls "the most exciting thing to happen in Napa Valley in years." Scoring the first vintage 93 points, he went on to say "It's about time someone did something about the high price of Cabernet in California." Priced at only $14.99 for a 3 liter box, it may be the wave of the future.

I think any blog that uses the phrase 'rubber bladder' is up for a writing award.

By far the most endearing commentary I found was Catavino, and their announcement that they were adopting a new, much better '1000 point rating system'. It's a bold move, but as they say, "In this way, we can truly separate ourselves from the wine rags who’s mere 100pt scale remains rough and clunky, unable to truly define perfection."

1. 500 Point Base - To make this easier to understand, we’ll offer up a base from which to work of 500pts
2. 500-700 - Basically, this is for wines that we would never ask you to rate, to drink or to cellar. So please, just forget this range of points, because they suck!f
3. 700-800 - Wines in this category should also be promptly ignored. If you score in this range of 100pts, well who cares, you’ll never sell any wine anyways, so let’s move onto wines that matter.
4. 800-850 - Once again, these are wines that only matter academically and should never be bought by a true wine geek. Sometimes good wines fall in this range in off vintages, but a good geek will promptly ignore them.
5. 850-900 - Now we’re in the safe range, where we recommend you buy the wine. Taste the wine and then lament on at least one characteristic that keeps it from being a 900 point wine.
6. 900-950 - Drinkable wines, finally! And you can also cellar them as well! Real prestige once we get to this range of points.
7. 950-990 - Almost perfect, too bad the winemaker had an off day during racking or the planets were not aligned. Could have had a perfect wine, but for now, they will have to settle for a few points shy of greatness.
8. 990-999 - Wow, everything done right! Well almost. But you know they gave it their best. Second place though is only for losers and anyone in this area, while better than most, is still missing something.
9. 1000 - In truth, there will only be a few of these in our lifetime, though maybe more if we were only better at using a calculator. With so many points to tally, it is a shame that from time to time bad math may lead to wines not reaching this level. Oh well, the 1000 pt wines we do find are perfect, and thus, should not be consumed - less we forget how perfect they are. Upon coming across a 1000pt wine, seal it in a glass case, contact your nearest auction house, and have them whisk it away to their vaults as soon as possible. We wouldn’t to want anyone to tarnish this perfect work of art.

I love the smell of snark in the morning.

Until next year, I hope everyone had a happy day of foolery.

PS: Someone reminded me of the April first kit announcement from last year, our New York Finger Lakes Concorde Kit. Yummy!

posted by Tim at 01:26AM

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